


[Untitled by Simple Plan Plays in the Distance.]

by Pocketsized_Kanaya_Maryam



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feelings of guilt, Mentions of canon character death, but there is moving on, odd formatting, there is no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 20:36:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9089782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pocketsized_Kanaya_Maryam/pseuds/Pocketsized_Kanaya_Maryam
Summary: It's hard to move on. It's not a one day thing. But sometimes, little things help. Sometimes, having someone on your shoulder bitching at you helps too.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to cope with personal shit so enjoy my angst.

"And then _I_ said to this guy, I said--"  
"York, this information is not relative to the purpose of the logs you are meant to be keeping."  
"Delta, just 'cause it's not another episode of 'Who Killed Who' doesn't mean its not interesting to save."  
A pause. "That is a relative opinion, York."  
"Well, if you say so I guess I leave our wonderful audience on the edge of their seat for the end of that story."  
"York, these logs are for personal use."  
"I know, D. Just let me have some time to snark." A downwards tilt of a helmet. "This is Foxtrot-12, signing off."

  
**> Journal_entry_F12_Y1_0923.hgv has ended. Play next file?**   
**> Yes.**   
**> Playing Journal_entry_F12_Y1_0923B.hgv.**

 

"Good afternoon, lovely people. Time for yet another journal entry. Two entries in one day is a bit much compared to my recent ones, but new information showed up, so who am I to wait for the clock to strike twelve?" A shrug of the shoulders. "So, turns out, there are no longer any former residents of The Mother of Invention stayin' on Sidewinder. Everyone's finally gotten off the planet or off the radar. Months later, and only now has this happened. Sounds like we really gave 'em hell, huh, D?"  
"I feel that could potentially be an accurate phrasing for the troubles we contributed to."  
A laugh. "Finally, you're not arguin' with me!"  
"My apologies. 'You are wrong and that is not accurate at all.' Is that better?"  
Another laugh. She missed that laugh. "Aw, and here I thought you were startin' to like me, D."  
A retort to the sarcastic statement. "Agent York, I cannot, in complete honesty, say that I am 'starting to like you' without other details being added to the statement."  
"You wound me."  
"Now is not the time to act overly dramatic. Shall I run your healing unit?"  
"Now this is the shit I love to go through."  
"I believe this tangent has left this journal entry no longer relevant."  
"Aaaaand ya' killed it again, D."  
"Foxtrot-12 signing off." A combination of a peace sign and a salute. What a nerd.

 

**> Journal_entry_F12_Y1_0923B.hgv has ended. Play Journal_entry_F12_Y1_0924?**   
**> No.**

  
"Epsilon, what are you doing?"  
"It's late. What the hell do you think I'm doing?"  
"I was watching those."  
"You've been watching for three hours now." A pause. "I don't blame you, but... you need sleep, Carolina."  
"I'll sleep when I'm done."  
"It's 0200, Carolina."  
"I can function on less than four hours of sleep, Epsilon."  
"Just because you _can_ doesn't mean you _should_."  
"But I can, Epsilon. I'm not missing out on anything."  
"They're not gonna get deleted overnight, Carolina!"  
"I just want to know what I missed, Epsilon."  
"I know, Carolina. Just, do it when you're not sleep deprived."  
"I'm not sleep deprived!"  
"You've been awake for twenty hours, Carolina."  
"I'm not sleep deprived."  
"For the love of all fuck, go to sleep."  
"No."  
An aside comment. "Why the hell do you have to be so stubborn?" (A voice in the back of his head. "Hypocrite.")   
"Epsilon. I'll sleep at the end of this month. Will that make you happy?"  
"That's still almost a dozen entries, Carolina."  
"So what, a half hour at most?"  
"I'm not encouraging you to stay up!"  
"Well you sure as hell can't stop me."  
"I can disable the functions in your armor, C. I just wanted to be nice."  
"Oh, you? Being nice? That's pretty goddamn foreign, Eps." Some words a few tones too bitter.  
A pause. "Carolina, this isn't good for you." ("I'm not hurt at all by that." A lie he tells himself.)  
"I'll sleep soon Epsilon. The longer we argue, the longer it will take."  
Crossed arms. "Fine. But I'm playing the files."  
"Why the hell does it matter?"  
"I'm picking which ones, Carolina."  
"I want to watch the rest of the September ones."  
"Carolina, I'm not fucking doing this."

  
**> Playing Journal_entry_F12_Y1_0525B.hgv.**

  
"Epsilon." It sounded like a threat. ("It's not like I haven't seen this one before." An observation.)

  
"Well. That went down."  
"Astute observation." A sarcastic remark, all too fitting.  
"I should date these, huh?"  
"That would likely be helpful."  
"Uh, I guess this is, hell, do I use my name? Callsign? I'm lost."

  
**[A pause in video. Resumes likely minutes later.]**

  
"So, this is Foxtrot-12. It'll take a while to get used to that. Former member of Project Freelancer. So this would be log 0525 I s'pose."

  
"What is the point of this, Epsilon?" So much bitterness in her voice.

  
**> Fastforward 3.56 minutes.**

  
"-- And then, I saw her. She... things didn't work out."

  
A pang of guilt. "Why this one?"

  
"She wanted to do 'The Right Thing.' I should have told her earlier what happened. I should have known she wouldn't listen right away. I should have... done something. I didn't want to leave her behind. I should have communicated for god's sake. I knew she didn't like Tex! I should have known she wouldn't take well to me working with her."  
"York, I do not believe blaming yourself is the healthiest reaction."  
"Well I'm sure as hell not going to ignore the lingering guilt, D. I don't think it's gonna go away anytime soon." Guilt haunts. Like ghosts.  
"My point still stands."

  
**> Fastforward 2.98 minutes.**

  
"Like? She meant the world to me, D. I know I couldn't force her to come with me, but I didn't want this at all."  
"I understand, York."  
"I just... She was so incredible. And now... I'll probably never see her again... How the hell did I let myself do things that would get me here?"

  
**> Stop playing Journal_entry_F12_Y1_0923B.hgv.**   
**> Play Journal_entry_F12_Y1_0625.hgv.**

  
"Log date 0625. A month has past. It's still rough, but I'm gettin' by. As I've mentioned before, had to take up petty theivery as a 'hobby' to get by. No additional information on that. I also haven't heard any news about anyone other than the Dakota twins. On the plus side, that also means I don't know for sure that anyone's dead. She... she's still alive. I can tell. She's out there, somewhere."  
"York, I realize you are idealistic in nature, but I do not believe that--"  
"I know it, D. She's too good to be gone. She was the best of us, D."  
"Technically, Agent Texas was--"  
"I meant out of us, D."  
"I'm afraid I do not understand."  
"She wasn't a part of the team, Delta. She was kept from us, didn't socialize well when she wasn't, and she just... She was my friend, but she didn't count as the team."

  
**> Stop playing Journal_entry_F12_Y1_0625.hgv.**   
**> Play Journal_entry_F12_Y1_1114.hgv.**   
**> Fastforward 3.01 minutes.**

  
"--ill can't help but blame myself. I mean, if I didn't do that, things would've happened differently. Things should have happened differently."  
"You cannot change how things went, York."  
"I know that, but that doesn't change the guilt and regret I feel."  
"What is the point on ruminating if you know you can't change it?"  
"Because I... Things could have gone better!"  
"But you cannot change it."  
"I know."  
"So what is the point?"  
"I... I don't know."  
"So why do you still act and feel the way you do?"  
"Can't help it, D. 's just part of what makes me human."  
"Hm."

  
**> Stop playing Journal_entry_F12_Y1_1114.hgv.**   
**> Play Journal_entry_F12_Y5_0323.hgv.**

  
"Two months short of four years... I still feel like I'm to blame somehow."  
"You did take actions which had reprecussions that led to this."  
"Delta, remind me to make sure you never become a psychologist."  
"I feel that would be unlikely, regardless."  
"Anyway, back to talking I guess."  
"As if you ever stop."  
"Rude."  
"What was that saying? 'Forgive and forget,' isn't it?"  
"What are you saying, D? There's no way I could forget everything that happened, and I never blamed 'Lina for what happened at all."  
"Perhaps, I should be clearer."  
"It'd make shit like this easier, that's for damn sure."  
"I was not suggesting that you forgive Agent Carolina. I was suggest that you forgive yourself."  
"I..."  
"It's been four years. You need to let go sometime."  
"I can't let go."  
"And you've seen what that does to people."  
A pause. A thought. "It still hurts."  
"It was an important event to you. Of course it will. But moving on will help you."  
"How the hell can I move on?"  
"Understand you can't change things. Use what happened to make better decisions. Forgive yourself for allowing things to happen. Forget, or, perhaps, unlearn this behavior."  
"How the hell do I do that?" Clear irritation, mixed with desperation.   
"Studies have shown that repeating certain phrases to oneself causes a person to believe them to be true."  
"That doesn't make it true."  
"You need to let go, York."  
"But it hurts. She meant the world to me and I did nothing to help."  
"You're allowed to hurt. But the past is the past, and no amount of wistful thinking can change that. This doesn't need to determine who you are, York."  
"But it sure as hell gives me the starting point for who I will be."  
"And that is for the best. But you don't need to blame yourself for everything."  
"I'm not blaming myself for everything. Just what actually is my fault."  
"It's over. You need to let go. It's okay that things transpired as they did. It was not favorable, but, by the options chosen, unavoidable. You can do better. You can move on."  
"Is it bad part of me doesn't want to?"  
"That's not healthy."  
"She's just, so important to me. I don't want to let go."  
"You don't have to let go of the memories, York. Just the guilt."  
"So after I keep telling myself it's okay to move on, that its okay to not blame myself, what do I do then?"  
"Use the knowledge to not make similar mistakes."  
"That's not exactly all easy, D."  
"Unfortunately, there is no 'magic bullet' for emotional trauma. You just need time."  
"Time... I'm sure someone who worked for a corrupt military program and lived as a thief for years has _plenty_ of time." Nothing more than a usual sarcastic remark.  
"I understand you're hurt. But this will not help."  
"I guess you're right, D. I guess you're right... Still doesn't make it any easier."  
"I'm here to assist. Remember that."  
"Thanks, Delta. It means a lot.

  
**> Stop playing Journal_entry_F12_Y5_0323.hgv**   
**> Play Journal_entry_F12_Y5_0424.hgv**   
**> Fastforward .33 minutes**

  
"I wish she could've learned to let go. I guess I should too."

  
**> Journal_entry_F12_Y4_0424.hgv has ended. Play Journal_entry_F12_Y4_0425.hgv?**   
**> No.**

  
"You're not very subtle."  
"You wouldn't _listen_ to subtle."  
"Fine, I'll sleep."  
"C?"  
"Yes Epsilon?"  
"I did this because I care about you, alright?"  
"I know. But right now, I'm not in the mood to be thankful. Goodnight."

 

* * *

  
She took a breath. "Remember what you learned in the memory unit?" Words went unspoke. ("Remember those nights you made me sleep? Remember the one you told me to let go? Remember all the things you showed me?") You need to let go."   
Memories of what she had learned. "Your past doesn't define who you are." Was it for her sake, or his?  
"They just... give you the starting point for who you're going to be." Bittersweet memories.

* * *

  
"Starting Journal_entry_F12_Y5_0525.hgv in three, two, one."  
"Hello. Today, something unusual in my logs." A guest.  
"Do I have to, York?" A pause. "Don't try to use puppy dog eyes on my through your fucking helmet, you loser!"  
"It was worth a shot!"  
"It absolutely was not."  
A whine. "Deltaaaaaaa!"  
A snicker from the figure in black. "It's been too long."  
"You talking about my hair or the time since we've seen each other?" A joke. They both know the answer.  
"Just do your dumb ass log."  
"It's officially been four years. I still miss Carolina, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never see her again. Tex has shared that she saw her get thrown off the edge of the cliff we crashed on. It wasn't Maine. It wouldn't be. I knew him well enough no matter what she says. He wouldn't do that..."  
"I know what I saw, York."  
"But he was my friend. He cared about her. He wouldn't do that."  
"This is pointless to argue about. Youre obviously not going to change your mind."  
"Because I'm right."  
"Anyway, I'm here to go after Wyoming to get Omega back. I'm dragging York with me, so I can have the help of someone I can trust."  
"Delta told me once that I need to let go, but with everything he's done, this is one thing I can't let go of. I'll make my next log after we kill the bastard. This is Foxtrot-12 signing off," for the last time.


End file.
